Satire

Congress Urges Citizens to Use Healing Crystals for Healthcare Needs

Written By Amamah Sadar

In an effort to address concerns surrounding the massive number of people without health insurance, Congress urged citizens to use healing crystals in lieu of doctors and hospitals for their health care needs.  

“Healing crystals have been used for years to cure ailments and it's selfish that we want the government to provide adequate health care when we have billions of crystals,” said Senator Mitch McConnell while holding a handful of Rose Quartz.

McConnell, who drinks the blood of children to stay alive, believes that providing crystals to Americans is more cost effective than providing health insurance. “Chemotherapy can cost thousands of dollars, but a bag of Amethyst, which cleanses your entire body with its energy, is only $5.99.”

The Senator isn’t the only one who has advocated for the use of crystals. Both democrats and republicans are finding common ground around this issue. 

“I recently saw a woman clutching her heart and gasp for air and I immediately ran to the closest crystal shop to get her a few Carnelians,” said Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, also adding, “I am confident she got the care she needed and if we had universal healthcare, she would have just taken advantage of it.”

Although both Pelosi and McConnell do not plan on replacing their yearly check up, they were quick to suggest that Americans should have a crystal on them at all times. “I don’t leave my house without a black tourmaline,” said McConnell, “and maybe if you don’t have one than you don’t deserve good health.” 

Amamah Sadar
Amamah Sardar is a NYC comedian and writer who has written for McSweeneys, Points in Case, and Little Old Lady Comedy

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